How to write an impressive author-bio when there’s nothing impressive about you.

 

This is Lizzie. She tried to come in from the back yard last night with a baby possum in her mouth. We didn’t let her keep it.

How to Write an Impressive Author-Bio When Nothing About You is Impressive.

Alert the media (and I mean that literally.) It turns out the purpose of an Author-bio is to impress your readers with what an astoundingly impressive person you are—thereby increasing the likelihood of a book purchase.

For example: “Dr. X has been a national bestselling author 500 times running. He won gold at the Olympics ten times—and then climbed Mount Everest fifteen times without oxygen. In the following year, he…”

Credentials follow: “Before earning five Ph. D’s, the author graciously consented to serve as CEO to twenty wildly successful Internet start-ups…”

Finally, wrap up with personal info: “These days, X enjoys relaxing with his beautiful super-model wife, in his billion-dollar condo, overlooking Downtown Expensive-ville…”

Easy-peasy, right? Here’s the problem; I got stuck on step one.

To re-hash the title, how in the heck do you write an impressive author-bio when nothing about you is impressive?

My first thought (I’m not gonna lie to you here) was to lie: “As the third man to set foot on the moon, Gene Hayman has a unique perspective when it comes to…”

And that might have worked. I mean, how many of us can name the third person who walked on the moon? I know I can’t. It might very well have been me for all any of us know. What the heck was I doing that day? I can’t remember. Maybe that’s proof positive!

On the other hand, sometimes people do research that kind of stuff on the Internet. Rather than risk being caught in a lie, I continued thinking.

My next brain wave was to puff up some of my actual accomplishments. Here the list of those No-Go’s:

“During forty years of working at jobs he hated, Gene Hayman has managed never to commit justifiable homicide on any of his co-workers. And though he has come close as he has gotten older and more crotchety…”

“ Despite shepherding two offspring through their teenage years, Mr. Hayman never strangled either of them. And while he has often been tempted to push his wife down the stairs and tell everyone she slipped, he always…”

“Eugene L. Hayman, Jr. takes great pride in the fact that he has never committed any crime sufficiently heinous to make him a millionaire.”

“Eugene Hayman has never run for political office.”

While impressive to me, none of those actual accomplishments seemed impressive enough for an author-bio.

Finally, I grew desperate enough to take inspiration from a certain, currently controversial political figure that shall remain nameless (#impeach45).

The fact is, you don’t have to actually be impressive to go places in this life. You only have to claim you’re impressive. Heck, you can even use the word “impressive” if you want! I mean, America, right?

After that, just associate yourself with others who actually are impressive. Nothing fancy. Just say their names in the same sentence as yours. What could be simpler?

Once I realized these two key facts, I sat down and wrote what may very well be (and probably is) the greatest, and most impressive—by far—author-bio of all time. It is HUGELY impressive. In fact, it is MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN ANY AUTHOR-BIO THAT HAS EVER BEEN WRITTEN!

Don’t believe me? Check it out right here.

 

 

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