Author Archives: elhayman@gmail.com

How to write an impressive author-bio when there’s nothing impressive about you.

 

This is Lizzie. She tried to come in from the back yard last night with a baby possum in her mouth. We didn’t let her keep it.

How to Write an Impressive Author-Bio When Nothing About You is Impressive.

Alert the media (and I mean that literally.) It turns out the purpose of an Author-bio is to impress your readers with what an astoundingly impressive person you are—thereby increasing the likelihood of a book purchase.

For example: “Dr. X has been a national bestselling author 500 times running. He won gold at the Olympics ten times—and then climbed Mount Everest fifteen times without oxygen. In the following year, he…”

Credentials follow: “Before earning five Ph. D’s, the author graciously consented to serve as CEO to twenty wildly successful Internet start-ups…”

Finally, wrap up with personal info: “These days, X enjoys relaxing with his beautiful super-model wife, in his billion-dollar condo, overlooking Downtown Expensive-ville…”

Easy-peasy, right? Here’s the problem; I got stuck on step one.

To re-hash the title, how in the heck do you write an impressive author-bio when nothing about you is impressive?

My first thought (I’m not gonna lie to you here) was to lie: “As the third man to set foot on the moon, Gene Hayman has a unique perspective when it comes to…”

And that might have worked. I mean, how many of us can name the third person who walked on the moon? I know I can’t. It might very well have been me for all any of us know. What the heck was I doing that day? I can’t remember. Maybe that’s proof positive!

On the other hand, sometimes people do research that kind of stuff on the Internet. Rather than risk being caught in a lie, I continued thinking.

My next brain wave was to puff up some of my actual accomplishments. Here the list of those No-Go’s:

“During forty years of working at jobs he hated, Gene Hayman has managed never to commit justifiable homicide on any of his co-workers. And though he has come close as he has gotten older and more crotchety…”

“ Despite shepherding two offspring through their teenage years, Mr. Hayman never strangled either of them. And while he has often been tempted to push his wife down the stairs and tell everyone she slipped, he always…”

“Eugene L. Hayman, Jr. takes great pride in the fact that he has never committed any crime sufficiently heinous to make him a millionaire.”

“Eugene Hayman has never run for political office.”

While impressive to me, none of those actual accomplishments seemed impressive enough for an author-bio.

Finally, I grew desperate enough to take inspiration from a certain, currently controversial political figure that shall remain nameless (#impeach45).

The fact is, you don’t have to actually be impressive to go places in this life. You only have to claim you’re impressive. Heck, you can even use the word “impressive” if you want! I mean, America, right?

After that, just associate yourself with others who actually are impressive. Nothing fancy. Just say their names in the same sentence as yours. What could be simpler?

Once I realized these two key facts, I sat down and wrote what may very well be (and probably is) the greatest, and most impressive—by far—author-bio of all time. It is HUGELY impressive. In fact, it is MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN ANY AUTHOR-BIO THAT HAS EVER BEEN WRITTEN!

Don’t believe me? Check it out right here.

 

 

Hello Politics…

There are several reasons a person might contemplate writing a novel. In my case, I wanted to make some fast, easy money. Also, I wanted chicks to dig me.

Unfortunately, it turns out that writing a novel is hard work—and the day I make more money writing than by finding loose change in the dryer will be a moment of high celebration indeed.

Regarding the chicks thing, the sad fact is this; any lady who might be a candidate for some funny business with me turns out to also own a seeing-eye dog—and those animals can be vicious!

However, even with those two stimuli taken off the table, one additional carrot remained. I also wanted to sound an alarm about politics in America today.

Governing is a dirty, nasty, disgusting, and often-futile business. In the same way a slaughterhouse tour can turn a squeamish person into a strict vegetarian, a closer look at our legislative system is apt to leave your average voter feeling nauseous.

Even so—as my main character, MIKE HAYDEN, finds out the hard way—paying attention to politics remains something that we MUST do.

The fact is, XANDRO and QUARTHO (the bad guys in my novel) were fashioned after the elected sociopaths I see pontificating on television every single day.

Such creatures display a congenital inability to feel guilt; no matter how many people they hurt. They lie as easily as they breathe. As a matter of routine they accuse their political opponents of exactly their own crimes. And they name legislation in a way that is diametrically opposed to what those laws are intended to do.

This listing of common “political tactics” could go on and on. But—and this is a key point—they did not spring from my imagination; they are only what I observed and documented while watching the evening news.

And while I would take a butt whipping before I ever voted Republican, I don’t trust either political party all that much. In fact, my stance on ANY politician is the same as Robert Heinlein’s stance on shamans; they should all be considered guilty until proven innocent.

To be sure, there are a few good politicians out there. However—and this is another key point—the percentage of those who are well meaning and intelligent IS NO HIGHER THAN WHAT YOU FIND IN THE GENERAL POPULATION!

God save us! That being said, here is what I hope my novel will encourage everyone to do. First, pay attention; keep your ear to the ground and your eyes open. Second, don’t believe anything a politician, or a shaman, tells you without fact-checking it first. And finally, once you are certain you have figured out who the Bad Guys are, VOTE. For God’s sake, merciful Heaven, get out there and VOTE—in the primaries as well as the general election!

If you don’t, somebody just might come over to your house and kick your non-voting little butt. And nobody wants that.